Immediately after Cal passed away, our lives basically stopped. I still struggle wrapping my head around the fact that he's gone. It just doesn't seem right. What's really strange is that it has been 2 years since he passed away. Where has the time gone? We've celebrated his birthday twice, celebrated his passing date twice, been to the cabin two summers, celebrated Mother's Day and Father's Day and many other holidays twice, everyone's birthday twice - all without him. Even without him, he is always on my, my family, and others that knew him, mind. I personally think about him all of the time - every day. That's 730 days of thinking that have all gone by so quickly, yet slowly.
Every now and then, someone sends me a photo I haven't seen with Cal in it, and I'm so appreciative to get it. To me, it's a new experience that I get to feel. Without those, all I have are old photos and very few videos of him as he aged. When I look at photos and especially videos, it's a very odd experience for me. Looking at the videos, he was alive, walking, talking, being funny, eating, whatever. His heart was beating, his lungs were breathing. How is it possible to see someone alive, who is not alive? It's just so strange to me. These thoughts gets into a large arena of philosophy, religious beliefs, and curiosity. I wish our technology was more advanced to be able to take something like that and actually produce reality from what used to be reality.
I often wonder what he was thinking the night before he passed away. From my perspective, things were going very well for him. So many positive changes in the recent days and months before he passed away. I just can't put it together. I know things were not as good as they seemed. I wish I would have talked to him more. I'm not sure he would have told me any different.
Time is supposed to make things better. I suppose being forgetful is possibly one way of coping/recovery. For me, I want the opposite. I don't want to forget any of it. I already have had a few episodes of: "How long has he be been gone?" or "How old would he be today?". It is the purpose of Never Forget Me to help remind me, so that I don't forget. I know everyone in my family struggles/copes in their own way. Nothing takes away the loss, the emptiness, the hole. It's just such a horrible feeling - like being in a straight-jacket without a way to get out. The worst part is knowing there's nothing we can do. However, with all of that, we try to keep our heads up high, create new experiences, and find happiness without Cal. I wonder how I'll feel, say, 8 years from now, 10 years from now, more. I guess only time will tell. As for now, on year two, we will again celebrate who Cal was right before he passed away, with most of the memories still somewhat fresh in our minds. We will eat a piece of pizza, and a chocolate chip cookie, as well as share a few stories - all in remembrance to keep things alive just a bit longer.
I know I'm speaking for everyone you touched - We will love and miss you forever Cal.
Love Mom, Dad, and Ann.